Here’s the thing: St. Patrick’s Day has become a bit of an excuse for a piss-up.

“Say something controversial”, do we hear you say? Well it’s worth offering a reminder that St. Paddy’s Day isn’t just about wearing a silly hat and making jokes about potatoes while drinking Guinness that’s been dyed green specially.

In fact, it’s the feast day of St. Patrick, one of Ireland’s patron saints and the man credited with driving snakes out of the country (which either refers to the slithery reptilian species or Pagans, depending on how susceptible you are to myth or metaphor respectively).

While it was ole St. Pat who introduced the symbol of the Shamrock (representing the Holy Trinity) to Ireland, the history of St. Patrick’s Day has proven to be a little less pious than the saint it celebrates.

Lenten rules of moderation are officially alleviated for the day, meaning it is widely seen as a one-shot opportunity to merrily binge before seeing through a dry period until Easter Sunday.

For more info on the curious culture of the day, check out:
http://www.yourirish.com/st-patricks-day.htm
http://www.the-irish-path.com/
http://www.irishcultureandcustoms.com/index.html

Whether you’re at one of the top 10 St. Patrick’s Day destinations or just celebrating quietly close to home, it’s a fair bet that your St. Paddy’s Day celebrations will be defined by alcohol. So here’s 5 tips tips for both those who like a pint (or ten) and those who prefer to end the day still standing…

5 Things to Do if You’re Drinking on St. Patrick’s Day

1. Visit your local Irish Pub, eat Irish Stew and drink Guinness. What did God do on the 7th Day? He went down the Irish Pub, stupid. There’s nothing as wonderful as an Irish pub – its air thick with camaraderie, folk music and the smell of Guinness. Get yourself to an Irish Pub by noon on the 17th, start on the Irish coffee, move onto the Guinness, try a few Murphy’s, refresh yourself with another Irish coffee and end with half a bottle of Jameson’s. Quite simply, anything could happen.

2. Attend your local St. Patrick’s Day parade and dance a jig … St. Patrick’s Day parades take place across the world, and since you’re drinking/drunk, you can dance an Irish jig as the street performers parade past. For those who can’t get to a parade, you can always watch it online and dance away in the comfort of your bedroom…

3. Be stupid. Think of all those wonderful clichés about St. Patrick’s Day and then live them out! Wear green (and pinch anyone not doing so), paint Shamrocks on your face, grow a ginger leprechaun beard, shout ‘top of the morning to ya’ at anyone, and wear a T-Shirt that says ‘Kiss me I’m Irish’. (Ed: We take no responsibility for injuries incurred following such actions. If you want to find out what’s Irish and what’s not, take a look here).

4. Sing ‘Fairytale of New York’ over and over again. It doesn’t matter that it’s about a secular Christmas; Shane McGowan is an Irish hero… and a complete drunk. That’s excuse enough.

5. Drink dyed-green Guinness until your pee runs gangrenous. ‘Nuff said.

5 Things to Do if You’re Not Drinking on St. Patrick’s Day

1. Enjoy St. Patrick’s Day Parade in Dublin. Since you’re not drinking, you have money for a trip! And where better to enjoy Ireland Day than in the capital, Dublin? Book a stay in one of the affordable hostels in Dublin, wake up early on Parade Day and claim a roadside spot. Then sit back and enjoy the fun.

2. Cook yourself ‘Traditional Irish Food’. After all, it is a feast day, and St. Patrick’s Day recipes are plentiful. So make yourself loaves of soda bread, a plateful of corned beef and cabbage, and a big pot of traditional Irish stew (Ed: Guinness is a vital ingredient in this one, but the alcohol burns off when cooking, right?). Don’t at any cost cave in to the temptation of adding green coloring – it’s just not Irish.

3. Look for a Fairy Ring and get your kid brother to sit in it dressed as a small green bearded elfin. Record the event in dingy light and sell it to a tabloid.

4. Promote the ‘Make St. Paddy’s Day a National Holiday’ cause. There’s a growing online campaign to make Ireland Day into a national holiday. Join the St. Patrick’s Day petition here, or lobby for the cause on the Facebook group here.

5. Congratulate yourself on a sober St. Paddy’s Day. You’ve done well, my child.

Do you have a better idea for things to do on St. Patrick’s Day, whether on the wagon or off? Send it in! We’ll give half a potato to the winner, recession permitting.  JC